Learning to be beautiful... I think.

Well it has been a while but here si something that was on my mind today...and these past few weeks. I sent it in an e-mail to a friend:

I have actually been thinking a lot about what it means to be a girl/woman in today's world. I mean I think that I am really afraid to be a real woman I mean all that is woman because I fear that it is weak and weak means a guy will take advantage of it and of me, you know what I mean? I don't know if it has come from my life experiences or what, but I know that I am afraid now to truly be feminine and womanly... to play the woman so that some guy can play the man. I really am a hopeless romantic at heart and really honestly want a guy who is "all that is man" I guess... I want a REAL man... not some reflection of what one could be or what the world thinks is a good definition of one. I want a real one and there aren't very many of those around. I have found, though, that in my fear of being taken advantage of, I have thrown up defenses and have tried to play tough so that no guy would think to mess with me or to try to use me... I am afraid that I may be or become intimidating to guys and then scare them off cause I am to boyish to be feminine... ok well I don't know why I just thought to tell you those things but they have been going through my mind these past few days and I was thinking about them... I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.

I was reading the Bible today, though and was asking God what He thought about it. I think that I figured out something. I was reading 1 Peter and it talks about the women of old and how beautiful they were. For a long time that intimidated me as a girl... I was like what is this God? You say that all the women of the Bible were so beautiful and I don't feel like I am. So does that mean that I am not as beloved or something? Because all of them were amazingly beautiful and I feel average. So I was talking with God about that and this is what 1 Peter 3:3-4 says.

"3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

I had always thought about this in the form of being beautiful... but God really opened my eyes, I think this morning as I realized that these women were so beautiful BECAUSE they were WOMEN and not men.... do you see what I mean? They were so beautiful because they were who they were made to be. It is like anything else in the world... let's say... a swimming pool. I know, RANDOM, but think about it. Now... There is this swimming pool in the middle of Siberia... It is frozen over more than half of the year... it is often used as a marker for where to part cars in this family’s back yard... that is about all it is good for... It isn't being used for what it is made to be used for. Now take that same swimming pool and take it to the harsh and mysterious lands of Ethiopia... Just to remind you... it is HOT there... ") So you are traveling through dessert and all and it is just unbearable... You come upon this house and it has high walls and you know it is a secure place to be...You happen to know who lives there and you enter... there, in the most beautiful and exotic yard you have ever seen, is a cool sparkling pool.

Now that is what it was meant to be used for. That was what it was created to be... an oasis from the heat of life... That is what women are meant to be... God made us to be an oasis for people. He made us to be a place where they can come to and feel safe... like we are not going to threaten them or use their vulnerability against them... they don't have to be on guard around us... They can drop their swords and find rest knowing that their hearts are safe and they can rest with us. That is the kind of woman I want to be. One whose presence makes someone feel like their heart can rest and I won't threaten them but will protect them... I think I figured it out. The thing that made those women so beautiful was not that they had this color hair or were that size or had curves or didn't... it was because they were so gentle and they were quiet... a place where men's hearts could rest. I don't mean every man in an intimate way but just to rest and feel safe. Guys are really attracted to women like that... and women who are like that are even beautiful to other women... you know what I mean?

I think that women of old were so beautiful because they were so different from men. Not that men can't be gentle and thoughtful... I know plenty of guys who are gentle and kind and loving and the whole bit. I mean, though, that women are needed in the battle of life just as much as men are... no more and no less. Just like we need men who will fight... we need women who will be a place where they can come away from the fight and rest.

Hmm so I think now that I figured it out... now I have to figure out how to do it. I have to figure out how to take those things that I can put into words and learn how to put them into action. I don't really know how to do that but I guess that will be the next lesson.

James 1.1

“This letter is from James, a slave of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is written to the Jewish Christians scattered among the nations. Greetings!”

Ok so I have been taking care of the baby of one of the Dr.s working here for the last week. She is pretty sweet but really small and thus a little boring… I mean she is cute and all, I guess but I don’t know, when the baby isn’t a relative, it is just hard to think of them as just as cute. Anyway, she is fairly cute, I guess, and sleeps a lot. She is like 2.5 months old… so ok whatever. ANYWAY. I was killing time here in the office and was like, cool I can get into the Word and that will be swell.

So I crack open my Bible. I had just finished Hebrews so I was like, hm, why not read James? So I start reading and didn’t actually get farther than the first verse before God threw something right at me. Did you guys catch what it was that could have hit me so hard? It is the way he identifies himself and really how he doesn’t. The only identification he gives “the Jewish Christians scattered among the nations” was that his name was James and he was “a slave of God and the Lord Jesus Christ”… then he jumps into encouraging them. I was really struck by that… in the world we are so focused on our identities that it actually consumes us and saturates our lives.

It seems that sometimes you meet someone and it goes something like this. Hi, My name is Helen Stockdale (now, see, I just HAD to throw my last name in there, [as if they really cared] because my parents are highly respected in a few states and even countries. They are missionaries… and so on… Now, I couldn’t have left that part out cause after all that is part of my very important identity, right? Shamefully I have thought that actually from time to time. I know it is ridiculously arrogant but I am telling you honestly.) So then my introduction will go on to say my age (assuming I am talking to people face to face, [and they are not blind] they have already mentally yet subconsciously realized my gender, height, hair length/ color, eye color, skin color, approximate age, style of clothing and thus a hint of personality, people skills, if I am married, if I am more of an athlete or artist or both, and other random facts.  I may go on to tell them what my nationality is (that applies more in other countries, but from time to time in the U.S. as well.) I may tell them where I live here, what I am planning on studying in school and where I will go, where I went to high school, where I have lived, and what languages I speak (though I don’t like to bring that up unless I am cornered into it or on a plane with an old lady who can’t speak English, because it is awkward for most Americans.) I tell them where I work and so on and so forth. The list goes on and on.

Now, I don’t usually, if ever, tell people that all at once when I meet them… but I do tell them some of that. The thing is, we have to know WHO people are if we are going to categorize them into boxes. That way we know how to treat them. See you wouldn’t treat a crabby old lady with the same courtesy as a vibrant, young and beautiful woman, or would you? The thing is, with out realizing it, we give so much worth to the identities of people and they are in turn forced to make sure that the things that define them are in fact putting their best face forward- giving them the best chance for success and being liked and so on. Even godly Christians struggle with this identity thing.  We want to know that the things that define us actually do set us apart as special and will manicure our identities till we are confident in them. The horrible thing, though, is that it is truly no more than a vicious cycle which holds us captive. We cannot be confident in them and that makes us desperate. We then franticly search for something else which will give us the confidence we need in order to move forward or even survive. We push for the best and for success thinking that the better skilled, more talented, better looking, better educated we are we will somehow be more satisfied in ourselves. The horror of it is that it doesn’t work and we panic, thinking there is something wrong with us. Because we cannot put our finger on the problem we work even more franticly to compensate for this unknown weakness all the while looking at others with the perception that they are at least one step ahead… though we would never admit that to someone else and even rarely to ourselves.

I was so struck by the way in which James identifies himself to the believers… hey guys, my name is James and I am a slave to God. That’s it. I began thinking on it more and have realized that honestly, I struggle with it a lot… and though people deny their identity issues, everyone has them and wrestles with them day and night. The only people in the world who really probably don’t wrestle with this would have to be the people who are ok with identifying themselves simply as slaves of God and the Lord Jesus Christ. You know, I was thinking yesterday how people go to school and take up all their time (and complain about it) so that they can get jobs… which take up all their time… (which they complain about.) We work so hard on creating this ideal identity and are so busy with getting a little farther along that we miss the point. All we need to become confident in us is stop caring about us.

I was checking out some Mainstay lyrics and this is what one of the band had to say about the song Mirrors:

Behind the Song:
"Like much of this record, this song is aimed at showing Christians that many of the answers we are getting to our problems today are man-centered and ineffective when dealing with problems of sin, depression, and self-worth. Pop psychology has infiltrated the church so much that we forget that the ultimate end of man is not to feel good about one's self or focus on finding who we are, but rather to be "taken by God's glory" and lose interest in our worth, self-esteem, or value. That is the theme that this song tackles - The way for believers to be happy and feel valuable is to value God supremely and reject any notions of "self-help." If man is truly dead in trespasses and sins, the term "self-help" is ridiculous. We need Christ to redeem us from our sin, and find our value in His saving work on the cross. Instead of looking in the mirror and treasuring the good in us, we need to be transfixed on Christ and treasuring and savoring the ultimate good - and rejoicing in the fact that He imparts HIS righteousness to us, undeserving as we are.” - Justin Anderson (Mainstay)

The second to last line of the song says, “I don't care who I am, I lost that interest…” That, I think, is key. Not only do we have to let ourselves die… we also have to die to the interest in ourselves… the interest in our gain and success. We cannot look at people the same way we used to…  “15He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them.

    16So we have stopped evaluating others by what the world thinks about them. Once I mistakenly thought of Christ that way, as though he were merely a human being. How differently I think about him now!” (1Corinthians 5, 15-16)

When we find our identity and confidence in God we actually have to loose interest in ourselves… only by dying can we truly live. When we find it in Him, the other stuff kind of fades away. Not only do they fade away in you, but you stop being impressed with the worldly definition of people and start to seek out and value their hearts… drawing them to the Lord. You know I thought about these things and wondered why I spend so much time making sure I have my stuff in line any yet run out the door with out having a substantial QT. If my only identity was in God and in my relation to Him, how much more do you think I would work on my relationship and manicure it so that it becomes beautiful… and the more I work on it, the more confident I will become (which actually is a novelty) and the less I will care about other things and making it to the top or even making people like me. It all comes from Him and everything of worth is found in Him. He is what gives me any value at all… if not for Him, I am just kind of useless and a big mess of pain, anger, hurt, self pity, arrogance… the list is too long but you get the picture. Anything beautiful comes from Him.

Well that is my long QT thought for the day… and maybe the week and maybe the month… but chew on that and see what you are doing to identify yourselves. Tell me your thoughts on it. Go for it.

Helenka

Wow, so this has been an amazing trip. I don’t know if I will ever get to explain it to anyone in a way that justifies the wonders that God has done. So let me see if I can put it in a short form… I have a feeling that another of my famous posts is about to happen… So let me see if I can tell you all what has happened. So I left Columbia at about 19.30 on Sunday the 10^th and drove to St. Louis. I got to bed that night at about 0.00 that night. I got up the next morning at about 6.00 and went with my sister to the air port. I took off at about 9.00 I think and landed in Chicago… took off from there to Charlotte, N.C. I met up with David and Amy and their daughter, Bess, 6 years old, Charles, Faith, Nick and Becky. We flew over together and landed in Munchen. From there, we flew to Krakow where we were met by a guy from the Missions organization that GCM Poland works with. They are really a solid group of people. Any way we met up with more of our team Corrie, Carrie and Roz, Steve and my Dad. We had a few days of orientation and then Dad and I went up to Poznan while the others went to Auschwitz/ Birkenau. I had already been there a few times so I didn’t really feel like going again. I also really wanted to spend some time with my dad. He is pretty swell.

We got up there and began getting ready for camp. Our camp Motto was “Think Again”. Every morning we met in my parents house for breakfast and devotions. We met the rest of our team who were… Sasha, Ania, and their baby Katie, Uncle David, Aunt Mindy… Lukasz (our beloved translator)… and the rest of my family… Mom, Graham, Isaac, and Lynne. Those were great… after that we all headed over to the school where we had our camps. We spent a day or two getting ready…

Then the campers came and we spent time getting to know them with games, taught classes, ate together, and had an evening of fun where we had a theme song and dance, other fun songs like Pharaoh Pharaoh, and then dad would speak for about 20-30 minutes. After that we broke down into discussion groups and interacted about different questions that Dad had for us pertaining to the talk. 

It was so cool. I guess over time I will have to relay the things that God allowed to happen and the confersations He orchestrated. For now know that the Spirit was there and was strong… One guy said… you know, I know people from all over the world… here here here here and here… but I have never met anyone like you guys. He said this to about 4 people and by the grace of God and honestly the Spirit inside us we all responded similarly. We were all like well you know, that is really cool, but you know it is not because we are American. It is God inside us that gives us the joy you see and the peace you see… it was so cool. He later told us that this camp was interesting and that his favorite parts were not the games or food or teaching… they were the talks Dad gave every night and the testimonies that 2 Polish teens gave at the end. He said, you know, this camp has really helped me to “think again” about some really important things in my life. I think I will have to think more on these things. (Praise the Lord, right?) Another guy told his discussion group that he was atheist blatantly… graciously but bluntly. We were all ok with that and just loved him the same… by the end he said you know I think that I have begun to “think again” about God and all. It was so cool. He also mentioned that he liked Dad’s talks a lot and that he thought about them the rest of the night after he finished… he would go home and go to bed and think about them the whole time…

I don’t know what else will happen as a result of this camp but I am sure we will see more fruit in the days and even years to come… the growth process is really slow here. So that is what happened in a nut shell.  

I am now spending time with my family for a few more days before I return to Columbia… I have mixed feelings about returning and don’t know how to take it. I am asking… pleading with you to pray for me as I return. Pray that God’s presence will be strong in my heart. Pray that I be filled with the spirit and that I respond to natural feelings of returning through the lenses of the Word.

Well that is about all, I think. So yeah, I’ll keep you updated.

(P.S. I tried to post pictures but couldn't gert them uploaded. I'll try to do it later.)

Guys in one week I will be flying to Polska. Pray for the trip... for God to be glorified in and through us, for s to be amazed once again at Him, for safety, for His spirit to go before, after, and all around us, pray for patience in holding our tongue when we are itching to "jump the gun" and pray for boldness when He says "ok shoot," pray also... please that God would use me to encourage the saints there. They are so much on my heart and I can't wait to see them again. Life has changed so much but my love for them says steady... Pray that above all else He will be honored in our lives. I wanna see God wqork for the greatest amount of glory for Him possible which I think will bring the greatest amount of joy for us.

God, today I choose to give to you. Today I choose to go about the every day in and out with your glory in mind. Don't let me forget that it is all about you... my whole life is. I would be a fool to think other wise. If I don't live it for you... it is really not worth living. So today I choose to put on my armor and to go out to the battle field focused and dedicated toward that goal. I want to play out my life for the audience of One...and that audience isn't anyone other than you... even living it in a way that "is right for me" is stupid cause it isn't about me it is about You. Let our trip to Polska reflect this prayer... let it all be with our focus sharp and our dedication sure. Be glorified in me. And God... it would be cool to see you, the Giver of Life, in action over there. Breathe life into someone over there, I pray.

There we are... the oldest five. Wow I am short next to Luke... even shorter than Ann... so it is Ann- Caleb- Esther- Luke- Me... in order of age.

More later on that and the amazing things God has done.